I just have a very small point to make, but one that rarely gets attention these days, and I feel it needs to be addressed: the overuse of the word “toxic” when describing relationships. With the proliferation of YouTube and the countless self-proclaimed gurus capitalizing on “The Algorithm,” we now see an overabundance of content filled with buzzwords like narcissist, gaslighting, and in this example- toxic.
I fully acknowledge that there are real cases where people suffer from legitimate psychological disorders—these cases should not be taken lightly. They are extreme, often frightening, and therefore make the headlines. However, it’s also true that we all exhibit certain traits associated with these labels to some degree. For instance, we all have some level of narcissistic tendencies, and some degree of selfishness is necessary for health, survival, and making the right choices in life.
Here, I want to address the overuse of the word “toxic” in relationships. In turbulent situations, it’s easy to slap the toxic label onto a relationship and walk away, believing that doing so is a step toward self-improvement or self-empowerment. However, this can sometimes be a cop-out—an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for one’s own flaws and contributions to the relationship’s issues and an easy way out on not deeply examining the specific issues at play on both sides.
To illustrate the problem, let’s consider an extreme hypothetical scenario. Imagine a relationship where one person (Person A) is selfish, immature, and insecure, while the other (Person B) is a genuinely good person with relatively few negative traits. Despite their efforts, the couple struggles with ongoing conflicts and differing visions for the future and expectations. Eventually, frustration builds up, and they break up.
Person A then tells friends and family that their relationship was “toxic” and consumes YouTube content about toxic relationships and how to attract healthier partners. While emotions ran high during arguments, and both partners likely felt hurt, Person A’s decision to label the entire relationship as toxic oversimplifies the situation, makes the other person seem like the bad offender, and does not show very much accountability for their role in the toxic relationship. Instead of critically examining their own role in the relationship’s failure, they adopt an easy explanation: the relationship was simply “toxic” or we were “incompatible.”
Using such labels can be problematic because they offer an overly simplistic conclusion, making it easier to avoid deeper introspection. It’s like saying, “Let’s agree to disagree” without truly engaging in understanding or learning from the experience. The problem with this approach is that it prevents personal growth and learning. Labels like “toxic” provide a convenient way to wrap up a difficult situation without truly processing it.
These labels are often used by those who don’t want to think critically, face uncomfortable truths, or take accountability for their own actions. It’s similar to a child trying a new activity, failing at it, and immediately saying, “I don’t like that” instead of putting in the effort to learn it. In the same way, when someone claims, “We had a toxic relationship” or “We were just incompatible,” they might just be avoiding the deeper work required to understand their own role in the conflict.
Of course, some relationships are genuinely toxic, and incompatibility is sometimes a real issue. However, wisdom and growth come from looking deeper—beyond these blanket labels—to identify the specific qualities or dynamics that contributed to the problems. Instead of saying, “The relationship was toxic,” it’s far more useful to ask: What specific behaviors made the relationship feel that way? What patterns repeated themselves? What lessons can be learned?
A major issue with calling a relationship toxic is that the label often stems from a feeling—particularly negative emotions. The assumption is that if someone made you feel bad, they must be toxic. But is that really true? If Person A felt bad because Person B was honest with them, does that automatically mean Person B was toxic? Or does it mean that Person A struggled to handle the truth and take accountability for their own shortcomings?
Toxicity, by definition, implies something harmful or poisonous. But sometimes, what feels toxic is simply the discomfort of facing one’s own weaknesses. A person with high emotional intelligence or strong emotional regulation is far less likely to label someone as toxic because they don’t experience emotions in such extreme, reactive ways. The term “toxic” is inherently emotional—it translates to “you made me mad” or “you made me feel bad.” However, just because someone caused negative emotions doesn’t mean they were wrong.
This isn’t to say that truly harmful people don’t exist. Some individuals exhibit deeply problematic behaviors and should be avoided. However, most relationship conflicts involve flaws and mistakes on both sides. If we take a more balanced view of the hypothetical story and add mistakes and flaws to Person B, perhaps they were impatient, insensitive, or condescending. It can be said that these traits themselves are toxic and by identifying the specific trait or behavior, it then brings light to the situation and creates an opportunity to grow or change. But if one just labels the overall relationship as toxic, this doesn’t provide much insight or wisdom—it conveniently avoids the specifics, and the specifics are where the change can occur.
Instead of using broad labels, people should reflect on the intricate details of the relationship problems, including their own weaknesses, mistakes, and triggers. Consider the other person’s traits and how they made you feel. Ask yourself: Was there truth in what they said? What were the real underlying issues? What role did my ego play in our conflicts? Were we truly arguing about the same thing, or were we missing each other’s points? What are some possible solutions to these specific behaviors?
At the core of most relationship conflicts is a clash of values. Even people who share similar values can end up fighting if the order of their values differs. For example, if one person prioritizes security while the other prioritizes freedom, conflict is inevitable—even if they both believe in responsibility and personal growth.
A wise couple recognizes these differences and engages in thoughtful discussions about their values, beliefs, and behaviors. In contrast, those who live unexamined lives take the easy route, labeling their relationships as toxic and moving on without growth. Ironically, these individuals often find themselves repeatedly being in failed relationships because they do not know how to identify and address the underlying problems. They just think “it wasn’t meant to be” and hope to get lucky the next time. They do not understand what real relationship work is. They think “relationships shouldn’t be this hard” but I beg to differ. I believe that couples who are the best examples of great relationships have actually worked through their problems and differences; not just got lucky and found someone who doesn’t have problems or differences. They made it work by having the commitment and willpower to not give up. Failed relationships lack this quality.
So while it is just a small point to say that it is not very wise to just label a relationship as toxic and move on, it is important to show how this is not the path to improvement or the path to solutions. If you really want to have the beautiful relationship that you hope and dream of, you have to be willing to create it. You have to be willing to dive deep and be real about everything. You have to put ego to the side and have a large amount of accountability for your own role and even what you failed to do. It is not helpful to just say the relationship was toxic and move on. You learn nothing that way and if you do not learn, then you repeat.
